I have a daughter

It’s been a bit since I’ve written here. But there’s a good reason.

I have a daughter and 3 granddaughters. It was something I didn’t know about until almost a month ago.

I’ve started, deleted, and restarted this post several times over the last couple of weeks.

Let’s face it, many of us who come to this site have parental issues of some kind. Abuse, abandonment, never knowing our parents, smothering, the list could go on for a minute. But you get the picture.

It can bring up some things many of you may not want to think about, but at the same time, as with most things in my life, there is a chance at redemption.

But to not share this and the myriad of joys, wonder, amazement, and just plain love it has brought to me would damn near be criminal because we can always learn from others.

How did this all come to be?

I can only thank my daughter for that. If she hadn’t had the strength to reach out, I’d never know any of this.

It was a normal enough evening on September 21st. I was making dinner and decided to go on Facebook to wish a friend of mine a happy birthday.

It was one of the few times before this I would be on Facebook throughout the year.

I was just about to log off FB when I got a message asking if I knew someone a while back. I won’t go into the details of the conversation, but the person she was asking about turned out to be a woman I had dated in 1995.

It was a very challenging time for me, and I’d taken a position that would have me leave the area. The relationship had seemed to come to an end by that time as well.

25 years later, I found out that the relationship brought the unknown blessing of a daughter.

So, who is this daughter? Well, I’m not giving her name, but I can tell you some things.

She’s a brilliant, compassionate, courageous, strong-willed, driven, artistically gifted, beautiful mother of 3 wonderful daughters.

We’re coming up on a month of this being a reality for both of us, and we’ve done a lot of talking and getting to know each other as well as our daily ins and outs.

If I’m honest, she may know the story of who I am better than almost anyone.

We’re continuing to get to know each other and the intricacies of what that is, and I’m thankful every day for her giving me that opportunity.

That’s why I haven’t written here in a bit. My time has been spent talking to her or thinking about all of this and doing my best not to mess it up.

I thought I pushed that envelope a couple of times, but she was honest, gracious, and compassionate in each instance.

Let’s get to some questions I know will come.

How did I not know I had a daughter?

I’m not here to pass judgment on anyone or anything. All I can say is that I didn’t know. I’d never knowingly not be a part of my child’s life.

Would I have wanted to know?

The people that have asked this confused me, but I suppose it’s a valid question with as much as it has come up. The answer is yes.

On the selfish side, there are 25 years of my daughter’s life I wasn’t there for. Memories never made, moments not witnessed, and so much more. And as I said, it’s the selfish side. Though I’d give just about anything to have had that time, it’s not where I can let the focus lie.

Because when I look at it from outside of the selfish nature that can come up, she would have missed out on things I wouldn’t want to take from her.

She had a stepfather she loves dearly. She saw and did things I don’t know that I would have been able to offer. And in the end, she grew into a remarkable young woman.

It would be the worst display of selfishness to wish to rob those in her life and the world as a whole of the gift that she is.

How’d I feel when I found this out?

If you know me and knew what was going on, you know it took a few days for me just to be able to form complete sentences again.

I quickly passed through the anger of not knowing and settled on this being a gift I could have never expected or knew I needed in my life.

Now almost a month into this discovery, I’m left with gratitude, amazement, wonder, and love. It’s quite a fantastic thing.

Have we met yet?

Not yet, but when the timing is right for her, we will. The focus of this is not on me, it’s on her, and that is where it should be. Though she may argue a bit on that.

And she has a pretty busy life.

What now?

In my mind, we continue talking daily, get to know each other, and learn who each other is. There’s a lot of time to fill out. But again, it’s something I’m thankful to have the opportunity for each day.

Are you alike at all?

In so many ways, it is almost unbelievable at times.

What have I learned from this so far?

Being as intelligent as she is, she’d prepared for as many outcomes of finding me as she could.

That broke my heart a bit because I can’t think of any other outcome than wanting to be a part of her life. I’ve since learned that while the number of instances of this kind of occurrence is small, many men don’t react that way.

And shame on them.

This whole experience has opened more possibilities for life than I ever thought possible.

When you get to that point in life where you figure there are more years behind than ahead, you kind of settle into what you know will be.

It’s like knowing the end of a book before you get there. While not a bad thing, it can put you in a box of expectations and how you move forward.

I was falling into that just like anyone else, and this allows for the possibility of all kinds of new chapters in that book.

I can see how this could scare some, but how on earth could I not be excited for any possibility of being a part of their lives? It’s a gift beyond value, and I’ll never be able to thank her enough for that.

The other thing is a shift in priority.

It happened quickly and unexpectedly.

Questions that could have the slightest negative connotation were quickly checked, and those asking knew that would not be tolerated.

Anything that I brought to the table, like history and family, that could negatively impact her were also put in check.

This shocked the family a bit.

While I love my family and will be there for them until my last breath, some were comfortable being in that priority spot. My daughter and her children moved to that spot, and that was a change some had to come to understand.

But once we talked about it, they understood.

The biggest thing I learned, though, is that love doesn’t know bounds. I thought I knew this before and had experienced it in certain ways, but this was different.

I’ve seen it with other fathers and experienced it myself. Mothers are carrying the child and have that direct relationship.

When a father sees that first sonogram, it becomes very real. When they see their child for the first time, the love becomes overwhelming in an instant.

The only thing I can liken it to is hearing stories of people I know who have adopted children and the vast amount of love they have for that child Instantly.

It still baffles me how I can love someone as much as I do that I’ve never seen, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I just wish I could explain it because it is pretty awesome.

So, there you go. The last near month of my life and why I’ve been missing from here for a bit.

I hope you all are well as the seasons change. I can only imagine the emails I get from this one 😊

Be safe, and if this can show us anything, it’s that the gifts we never expected can turn out to be the greatest of all.