Moving forward while looking back

I didn't expect this blog thing to reach the point that it has so far. I can't say I expected it to do much, but I'll write as long as people read it.

I've gotten a couple hundred messages from things I've written so far. I'm going to work on a couple of entries where I answer those next, but the question I've been asked the most is, what did I learn most from my time of reflection through life but especially when I was on the ship where I gave my life to God.

There were quite a few things that happened during my time on that ship.

The most important is, obviously, turning my life over to God. But when I think about my times of reflection to that point, there was a common theme to it.

I looked back in a way that encouraged the pain I was feeling. I wasn't looking at it to learn, grow or, most importantly, heal.

We all have a history. In the thousands of people I've met over my lifetime, I've yet to meet anyone who has a history free of hardship or pain.

It's an essential part of life. Without pain, we don't learn to truly appreciate and cherish the times, things, and people that bring us joy.

But if we allow ourselves to get stuck in looking backward to bring the pain, anger, and misery to the present, we're stopping ourselves from looking and moving forward.

There is a time for regret, mourning, and even anger, but you must learn how to limit that. If you don't, you can find yourself missing out on a lot of greatness.

When I was sitting on that ship challenging God with the things from my past and all it had done to me, the consequences of that became very clear.

It was like I was shown three different slideshows of my life.

The first was a perfect reflection of all I had done during that time as I wallowed in my resentment, misery, and anger.

The reckless actions I took that not only came close to taking my life but could have cost others.

The loneliness as I sat on beaches, in dark rooms or bars with nothing but whiskey and cigarettes to keep me company.

The falsity of thinking death was the only way for it to stop and then wishing for that death to come.

The relationships I damaged and the ones I lost.

The second was a view of those impacted by my being lost in the past.

I saw my sister crying, worried, and depressed because I was lost. I saw my brother-in-law feeling all the same things but with the addition of anger that what I was doing hurt myself and, most important, hurt his wife.

I saw teammates having talks about what to do with me. How they could try and save me. Then the resignation, anger, and pain when they realized they couldn't.

I could feel the anguish of a God I didn't know at the time reaching out, wanting to take it all away, but I wouldn't allow it.

Then the third was all the things I could have had.

Times with my family where we were happy. Where I was able to help lift them up rather than dragging them down.

Times I would celebrate the moments I had with my fiancée and son rather than drinking the memories away.

Lives I would have been able to impact with my story. Kids I could have gotten off the streets.

Celebrations with friends I lost. New relationships I could have had.

Not perfection but happiness that could have made a difference to me and many others.

It was a sobering experience. I've talked about it to a few people. Some understand it. Others say it's a product of my mind. All I know is that it was real, helped change my life, and worked towards leading me to God.

It was then that I began to understand that while history has lessons, if you don't look at it as something to learn from, you let it encompass what you are.

How often have we let ourselves wallow after a breakup or allowed ourselves to stay in a bad relationship because we didn't want to deal with the aftereffects?

If we learn from our past, then we allow it to help us grow and move forward. If we don't, we're in quicksand.

The past couple of weeks, I was in a lot of physical pain. I've lived the kind of life that I've had a lot of physical injuries. I also live near the mountains, so winter brings cold and snow. That causes healed bones and titanium in my body to hurt.

A friend was saying how she wished she could take the pain away. I told her I appreciated it, but I wouldn't want it to happen. The pain is a reminder to learn from my past and appreciate where and who I am now.

And I'm happy with who and where I am.

When the pain and challenges of the past try to drag me back with them, now I'm able to understand God gave me the strength to dig my heels in, turn and face it. To use the past to help build the future. To give me the knowledge and strength to move forward.

If you find yourself lost in what was, I hope you remember that you aren't alone and have the strength to turn that into a fire that can help forge what is and will be.