No More

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about the lines we walk through in life.

Lines between fear and courage, happiness and despair, sadness and joy, faith and faithlessness.

We try our best to walk those lines. And if we're good, we walk on the side that makes us feel good.

But we can also walk that line on the side that hurts us.

These lines tie into the physical side of things. Those lines we walk can cause us physical pain and give us relief and joy.

Those things can also impact our fight for what we and others think is normal.

Then, what the hell is normal?

Not long ago, it got bad for me.

The seemingly never-ending trials with my physical challenges ran headfirst into all the things my mind had been battling with.

Living with depression is hard. But it's something I've almost always been able to deal with. I've been able to figure out the root cause, work out what is happening and get out of it.

I'm not saying that it happens in minutes. It's usually a few days to figure out the patterns that show my mental state isn't good.

For me, it's when I start just repeating things. I'm not talking about the things we do every day. I'm not talking about getting coffee in the morning. But my internal and external actions go on repeat.

I'm not challenging myself or others. Instead, I walk through the motions.

I'm not pushing myself to do more than what I am. Instead, I sit in where I'm at.

And the most significant sign, which some of you will have issues with and others will be surprised by, is that I quit talking to and seeking guidance.

I can look back at texts, emails, and phone calls. I stopped sharing information and returned to the same "I'm fine" crap that really means nothing. Because I wasn't okay.

But this time, something different happened. I'd grown frustrated with depression and pain before, but this time was different. I had just been forced to sit with myself for days. I was really bad.

Then the day came when I was talking to my girl, and I was a jerk. I snapped at some questions she had, and it wasn't something that was warranted at all.

Later that night, I was sitting in the dark, depressed, angry, and in physical pain. I started looking back at this last year and realized one thing I had quit doing.

I quit fighting.

Those that walked through this last year with me might argue, but give me a minute.

I was pushing myself, but I was pushing myself to do the things I always did. I was repeating patterns.

I wasn't fighting for the things that I should have been. If I had been fighting for it I would have realized sooner that I was hurting those who love me. I was causing them nothing but worry and concern.

Why were they worried? Not just because I was dealing with my physical challenges but because they knew I wasn't acting like myself.

And this was even before I lost my mind and almost died.

But, finally, sitting in that dark room, I said, "no more."

I got on my knees, cried, and prayed.

And a moment of "it's about time" rushed over me.

I stayed there for an hour and just talked. And my faith put it deep in my heart that He was waiting for me to ask for help.

And from that moment forward, I started feeling better.

Many of you may be asking, "What the hell are you talking about?"

The point of it is that we can decide we aren't going to let our internal and external circumstances control what we're doing and how we're feeling.

I'm not saying that we aren't going to have hard times. Not at all, and it wouldn't be healthy to not have hard times. It's how we grow. It's one of the ways we learn.

We will get depressed.

We will have pain.

But we have the power to make the choices to better our lives, giving us the ability and strength to face the things that cause us pain, anxiety, depression, and hardship.

But we must choose to live the lives we were put here to live and not just go through the motions.

Have that "no more" moment for yourself, even if you have to push yourself to it.

Don't settle into the darkness. Reach for the light and build the life you were meant to have.

I know my family, friends, acquaintances, kids I work with, co-workers, and faith deserve more from me.

So, yes, for me, it's no more. I'm going to fight this fight, and I'll win. I'll get knocked down along the way, but I'll always get up and throw that next punch.

Live the life that you were put here for. It's going to take a lot of work. He never said it wouldn't be, but live the life you have dreamt of.

Get up when you fall or are pushed down. Wipe the blood off when you're hit. But know that you can live that life if you decide to fight for it.

I want the best for you, and know if you read my ramblings, a part of you does too. That part of you must be the most essential part of your life.

You were made with love, intention, and purpose. You can find that purpose if you move from that place of pain, darkness, and despair.

As always, I'm praying for and love you all. Reach out if you need anything or have questions.