Still Broken

I’d been trying to figure out which post I’d written over the last few months to return to this platform with. But when it came to the time that I was going to post something new, I looked at where I am with a lot of things, and I decided to write something new for it.

Like I’d said before, I had a significant surgery a little while back. While I’ll never regret the surgery because I knew what the outcome would be if I hadn’t gotten it, there have been a lot of challenges since then.

But like with every moment of happiness, there is a moment of sadness. When there is a challenge, there are things that can lift you up.

I’m in a relationship with one of the most giving, loving women I could imagine. Someone I truly don’t deserve, but I am saved in the fact she thinks I am.

That isn’t to say there aren’t challenges in the relationship, especially with what she’s had to deal with in what I’ve been dealing with. Her faith and love never wavers, though.

So, why can’t I accept that I’m good enough for her? It’s a question I struggle with daily.

These hardships have shown who is really there for me. Friends that are family, family that are friends. There is a distinction in those. When friends become family and family become friends, you know they’re there for you because they genuinely love you and who you are. They aren’t there because of what you give them, but what you give each other.

So, why is it that I always feel I’m not doing enough for them when that isn’t what that kind of relationship is defined by?

I’m at a crossroads with just about every aspect of my life.

My faith is my foundation, so why do I feel so alone in the quiet moments of the night when I wasn’t?

Why is my depression at a level it’s never been before when I have so many good things in my life?

Why haven’t I admitted that I’m depressed to anyone, even those that know I am and are just waiting for me to say something?

I’d never take my own life. I don’t doubt that. But I now understand why people think about it because I had those thoughts recently. Why does this make me feel ashamed when I tell people not to feel ashamed for those same things?

Why do I say that I write this to help others when writing this helps me most?

It’s a jacked up, messed up, broken cycle we get in.

There’s a line in the song Broken Down by Ollie that I love. He says, “How can I save me from myself? My own mind is a weapon.”

And that’s what it comes down to.

We doubt. We question. We allow our minds to have so much residence in our lives that we can get lost in it. What’s worse is we can get so used to it that we feel like we aren’t ourselves if we aren’t in that place, even when we know that’s not right. That we should be feeling the exact opposite.

I don’t have all the answers. No matter what I write here may give the illusion of. All I can offer is the knowledge I gained through the times in my life that were difficult and those that were great.

But as I enter back into having the strength to write these again, I’ll share the things I have before, but this is to remind everyone that is still along this journey with me that I’m as damaged and broken as anyone else. We all are, and that’s okay. We just have to pull through it.

God gave us all the strength to pull through it, and He implanted a compass into each of us to know what we need to do. Which direction we need to go in. He guides that compass, not us.

It’s up to us to seek that out, though.

Here’s to the next chapter of this thing we’ve built.