The Forgiven

Okay, now to my random thoughts of the moment.

There is a song, I know, I know, "There's always a song, Jeremy," and you are correct. There always is. That will not change for me.

But this song is called The Forgiven by David Ramirez. It's one of the best lyrical representations of artists' challenges in exhibiting their personal thoughts, beliefs, and/or challenges versus what the public wants them to share about those things.

Some of you may very well be thinking, "What the hell does this have to do with what you usually write about, Jer?"

We all have these challenges with the outside world, and I wish we didn't.

Let me explain my thinking on that.

For a lot of us out there, we have had people judge us in one way or another for things in our lives that we've done or had done to us. If we're honest, we know we've also done that to others and ourselves.

We do it to ourselves, which can take us to dark places with hard truths and even harder lies.

But, the world can come to expect that the hard times and those things that have caused pain or hardship are how we identify ourselves and how we want to be identified by others. The key part of that last sentence is the "want to be identified."

We will always have a portion of our identity, whether it be from others or self-imposed, tied to the things that have happened to us. That's natural. We're built from, grow, and learn as a result of the things that have happened in our lives. We look up to and down on people for this every day.

But how much of this should we let stick to us like it does? How much should we let others view us in regard to these things?

People who hear my story will almost always look at me in various ways because of that story. While they see a few different things, the ways are almost always consistent.

There is sadness and embarrassment when they learn about the myriad of circumstances in my youth.

There is always an overabundance of sympathy when learning of my fiancée and son that passed.

There is pride in and a level of fear when learning about my military and contract experiences.

Those are just a few, there are more, but we can work with that.

I'm very proud of my military service. I love my country and what we stand for. I would not hesitate to fight or die for what we stand for, even if I loathe where we currently are.

But I don't want that to illicit fear in people. I'm good with them being proud of our service men and women all day long and wish everyone felt that way. But fear isn't something the majority that signed up want to have people feel towards us, but we get identified by that.

My childhood was hard, yes, that's true. But God gave me the means to survive those things. Having the challenges I had in my youth, I can connect with kids in similar circumstances today. Every once in a while, I'm able to help them out of the situation they're in.

But just because I had that kind of childhood doesn't mean I want everyone to hear about or identify me by those things. I survived those things, but I wasn't a victim of them.

I will always think of and miss Amara and Tristan, but they helped me become who I am today. If they hadn't been a part of my life, I wouldn't be the man I am.

They blessed me and helped me to get where I am. How can I, or anyone, want me to identify myself by the sadness of that rather than living in celebration of what they saw, and I'm beginning to see and understand.

Changing how people see and identify us is hard but possible. The first step is making sure we see ourselves as we want others to see us.

If we want the world to see us as good people, do we actually think we're good?

We want to be identified as trustworthy, are we?

There is a question I started asking after hearing a reference to it in a song that NF put out. If you made a list of the people you trust, would you be on it? How can you expect the world to see you that way if you aren't?

On the flip side of that, we are well-versed in sharing things from our lives with people. It may not be comfortable, but since we lived through it, we can talk about it with general ease. Because of that, we are opening ourselves up to being identified by that.

What I would challenge us to do, and I do mean us because I'm going to have to do this as well, is begin thinking through and determining how we want to see ourselves and how we want others to see us.

Take me. If I look at how I think the outside world sees me, I'm seen as something along the lines of, "Jeremy is a guy that had a lot of terrible things happen to him. So many that it can be unbelievable. But you find out it's true and feel sorry for him. He's also a soldier, works with kids, is hard-working, dedicated, passionate, and a believer. He loves music and art, dogs, his friends and family.

He'll be there if you need him, and you usually won't question whether you're on his good side.

He has done some pretty impressive things but could do much more if he'd let himself."

But is that how I want the world to see me? How do I see myself? How does that tie in?

When thinking of how I see myself and hate doing it, I'm devout in my faith. However, I need to do better at displaying this in traditional ways.

I am dedicated to my family and friends. I went through a lot of changes to discover who those in my life were true family and friends. I love them and would do anything for them.

I'm proud of my status as a veteran. I love my country and miss many things about the time I served. There are also things I wish I had never had to see or do, though I understand the why.

I'm an okay writer and hope to continue getting better. Not too long ago, I thought I was absolutely horrible, but I'm at least at the okay stage now. However, I've done things that nobody thought I could in that area. I pushed through, and each day I try to get better.

I'm also hard on myself.

I don't think I deserve a lot of the things I've gotten in my life and can sabotage those things, though I've gotten better at it. I still have a long way to go.

I have a bad case of tearing myself down and trying to convince myself I'm not any of the positive things I've listed.

I suffer with low self-confidence, and I have to fight daily not to succumb to depression, PTSD, and the physical pain I live in constantly.

However, through the struggle, I have aces up my sleeves to help with these things. My family, friends, and especially my faith.

I will likely always have challenges with some of these, but I know I can get through them, even when I slip.

That's what I want the world to know about me.

I love those in my life and love hard. I don't know how to give up. Until the day I die and go home, I'll be fighting to help those in my life, those I meet along the way, and myself when I remember to.

So how do you want to be seen?

Think about it, and then make it happen. At least, that's my plan.