The Letter

If you saw my last post, then you know I’ve been in a difficult place recently.

This doesn’t stop me from reading the emails you write. I realized in reading and replying to emails that this thing we’ve built is reaching a good bit of youth with challenges I relate to.

It was a hope I had, but it’s done it on its own by being shared.

I’ve been asked a lot about what living should be. I’m not going to lie. When my head and heart are in a challenging place, I have a hard time coming up with words for that.

I was thinking of this last night when a memory from a couple of years ago came to mind.

I was dating a woman, and she really wanted to see pictures from my days in the military. I don’t have many, but I went to the garage and pulled out the box I knew had them after being asked repeatedly.

I opened it and on top was the letter I’d written to my son if I died. Needless to say, the pictures didn’t come out.

Obviously, I didn’t die. Life is hard at times. We’d prepared for that possibility but never for the alternative of me being the one left. As hard as it is, you have to move forward.

In thinking about then and now, what I wrote in that letter still holds true today.

For those who have asked about general advice on how to live life, this is for you.

For those of you close to me that are worried about me right now because you never thought I’d share something like this. Don’t be concerned. I’m pulling out of that space, and I’m doing better.

Son,

If you're reading this, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not there. I'm sorry that you're feeling what you are feeling. I'm sorry there will be moments to come that I won't be able to be physically there for. Know that I will be there with you, though.

Death is a challenging thing. It's a natural part of life, but being on your side of it can cause a lot of confusion, pain, sadness, anger, and a myriad of other things. That's natural as well.

What I can say is I promise you I didn't go alone. My brothers, likely the same uncles surrounding you now, and that will be part of your life were with me. I'm proud to have served my country and stood shoulder to shoulder with the family that can only be forged in places like we've been. Don't press for details but feel free to ask them about me. They'll have stories even your mom and my family won't.

Now to the important stuff.

I hope you have your mother's beauty, mercy, and grace but don't forget you also come from a soldier's stock, so always stand for what you know is right, always help those who need it. If the time ever comes, I hope you fight like I did.

You'll hear things about my life. Don't let that detract from the beauty that life is. If I hadn't gone through what I did, your mother wouldn't have seen what she did in me, and you wouldn't be here. I'd endure anything to know I'd have you two.

You'll hear about the pain I went through, the pain I caused. Things I did well and things I did terribly. That's just part of life.

Listen to your aunt and uncle. Treat them with the respect and honor that they deserve, and I didn't do well. They'll always be there for you.

Love your grandmother, my mother. She had it hard and needs that.

Respect and honor your grandparents on your mother's side. They're good people and will also be there for you.

There will come a time when your mother will find someone else. It’s not a replacement of me. Give them a chance. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone. A gift such as life should be shared. But always protect her as well.

Now some lessons I wish I was there to teach you:

Always treat women with respect.

Protect those that are either weaker or unable to protect themselves.

Life isn't easy. It will knock you down and slam you around. But always pick yourself up. As long as you're moving forward, you're making progress.

You'll have your heart broke, and you'll break someone's heart. In each instance, lean toward compassion and understanding no matter the level of pain.

There will be times that you want to throw the first punch. Don't do this in anger. Only do it in cases of protection, and if it's possible, try to walk away. No matter the outcome, there really are no winners in a fight. Some will try to tell you different but trust me on this one. As someone that fought most of his life, I have some experience in that.

Don't lie. It isn't worth it. No matter what your fear is telling you, just be honest.

Own your mistakes. We all make them, but it's how we deal with them that makes the difference.

There is a God. Find your own path to Him but be open to letting Him in completely.

There will come a time where you question everything. This is natural, and it's a confusing time but also an important one. During this time, you need to lean on those around you that you know you can trust.

Speaking of trust, be that for people.

You'll think everything adults say is stupid or just plain wrong, but later on, I promise you you'll understand.

You'll be convinced nobody understands what you're going through. This is normal and, in some instances, you'll be right, but they can still be there for you.

See the world. Learn different cultures. Learn different languages. Get out there. Too many people stay in one place and don't let themselves experience all that God put here for us. When you do this, be careful, though.

When you're in trouble or hurting, ask for help. You have people that love you and will be there. It isn't easy, but I promise you that it's better to go through that with someone at your side.

Family is precious; treat it that way. But also know that family doesn't have to be blood. You'll know in your heart who your family is. When you find them, hold on to them.

Life has seasons. When a season ends, it usually comes with some pain. There is also joy, though. Focus on the joy.

When you work, work hard. I don't know that you'll have much of a choice in that. I don't know anyone in our families that isn't a hard worker. But if you're making a dollar, make sure you've earned it.

Don't settle. As you get older, you'll find examples of people that settled when they didn't have to. You'll have people question why you aren't settling but know that you get one chance at life. Make the most of it that you can.

You'll have times where you're sad. That doesn't make you less of a man. Live in that moment but don't stay there. And crying is okay. Strong men cry. Don't let the world tell you otherwise.

When you hurt someone, and you realize you've done that, apologize. Not always, but often, when we do that, it has more to do with us than them.

If someone hurts you and doesn't apologize, don't harbor hatred or resentment. Talk to them.

There will be times when you feel nobody believes in you. When that happens, you must believe in yourself. The rest will follow.

Challenge yourself.

Face your fears.

Love the way you want to be loved, fearlessly.

Laugh at yourself. We can take ourselves too seriously. Don't do that.

Even when you don't want to, call your family at least weekly. You'll need it as much as they do, even if you don't realize it.

Don't be selfish. You'll fail at this. We all do. But when you realize you were being selfish, stop doing it.

Help others. There's no better thing.

Learn to surf, dance, and play an instrument. It doesn't matter if you do them well, just that you did them.

Surround yourself with people that raise you up, not bring you down.

In that vein, surround yourself with people smarter than you who challenge you to grow and be better.

Read books and search out wisdom in others.

Learn from your mistakes. This list is full of mistakes I tried to learn from. Learning from them allows you to gain experience, knowledge and teaches us how to listen to our gut and that nagging little voice in our head.

Lastly, be a good man.

I'll always love you and be with you.